Some thoughts on Love & Competition

Cross the Rope activity

February is the month of Valentine’s Day…a day to celebrate love.

In many of my talks I often invite two people up on stage, introduce them as teammates or partners, and then lay a rope or cord in between them putting them on either side. I then tell them that their goal is to get their partner to cross the line and come to their side. Two rules. 1. You can’t physically pull them over. 2. You can’t pick up the rope or cord and throw it over them and say, “Aha…you are on my side!” I give them 20 seconds to complete the task. “Go!”

What would you do? What do you think happens?

I have done this hundreds of times, and 90% of the time the volunteers each stay on their side and try to convince, negotiate, bribe, or trick their partner into coming to their side. Once in a while the two will agree to straddle the line and call it a compromise. One foot in. One foot out. That’s often the best we get.

Why? When I freeze them and ask them and the audience what is happening someone usually yells out, “It’s a competition!” Everyone tends to agree. And then I ask, “Who made it a competition?” And everyone points to me and says, “You!”

What? No I didn’t. Go back and read the instructions in this first paragraph. There is no mention of competition, winner, or loser at all. Actually, I call them partners and teammates. So why do they end up competing when it’s not a competition? 

Well, when you grow up in a society that treats everything as a competition - you get everyone showing up as competitors. Even when it’s not a competition. And, if we’re not careful, we’ll even compete with the people we love most. 

What’s the answer?

Well, if it’s not a competition, there is a "win-win" solution where both people cross over and end up on the other side. Each person has their goal met without giving anything up. In fact, they gain trust and respect in the process. The “win-win” solution was there the whole time, but you’ll never see it if you don’t think it is possible. When you “cross the rope” in a disagreement you diffuse the conflict. 

What does this have to do with love? Well, instead of competing with everything and everyone what if we treated life as a collaboration? In improv, my goal on stage is to make my partner look brilliant. Their goal is to make me look brilliant. We are all trying to make each other look brilliant. We start from the premise of “how can I help you” instead of “what can I get from you?”

Which one feels more productive? Which one sounds like love? 

If you are looking to receive more love in your life be the first person that crosses the line in your relationships and asks how you can help. You might be surprised at the love you receive in return.

-Travis

BONUS: Want to see the “cross the rope” activity in action? Click here: